Despair...

There are so many emotions, so many unpredictable emotions surrounding grief. I’m so angry, angry about everything, I’m angry that you are gone, I’m angry that everyone has moved forward, and I’m still stuck on February 18, 2019. I feel so extremely lonely. No one messages me and asks me how I’m doing. No one calls to see if I need to talk or need to get out of the house. It’s like it never happened to the rest of the world and I’m over here fucking drowning in despair. 

I guess I never expected the loneliness I’d feel after losing you. It makes me resentful, it makes me jaded, and it is closing me off. I just want to scream, scream at you for leaving, scream at God for taking you, scream at everyone who has forgotten you, forgotten me, forgotten mom. I want to punch something, anything, I’m just so blinded by rage.  I’ve never spoken this aloud, but, I’m SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW! I’m so mad at the world, so mad at our so-called father, who, get this, blocked me on Facebook because apparently, he can’t take the heat of dealing with his own faults. I blame him, Aaron, for a lot of the pain you faced, for the pain you were trying to numb, and I blame him for your death. I’ve forgiven him for a lot of his mistakes, for what he did to mom, for what he did to us, but I WILL NEVER forgive him for this. I hate him, I hate him more than I’ve hated anything in my life. I hate that I must share my grief with him, I hate that I must share my grief with anyone. It’s an odd feeling, feeling so selfish with you, like you belong to me and I don’t want to share you with anyone else.

I wonder if my grief would be different, if you weren't my twin. If you were just my brother, with years separating us, would my grief still be this crippling? Or would it be much easier? I’ll never know of course, because you are my twin, you are half of me and you are dead and that makes half of me dead too. Not only did mom lose her son but she is losing half her daughter too.

I’m so sick of crying at my desk like a lunatic. Quietly sobbing, hoping no one can hear me. I just want things to be back to normal, I want to laugh without faking it, I want to enjoy the sunshine again, I want to look forward to things that are coming, but, I CAN’T! I can’t freaking stop this pain, I can’t stop this loneliness. I can’t stop this need for you. A part of me wonders, is that what you were chasing, was that what it was like for you? Is this what it felt like for you, the need for that fix? God, I hope not, this need that can never be filled, it’s just plain AWFUL. It breaks my heart wondering if this is how you felt. Like, I should have done more…I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE!

I wish I knew if you could hear me, if you could see my pain.

Dear Aaron

             

               Today marks 2 months since you have been gone, 2 months of complete sorrow, 2 months of complete loneliness, 2 months of heartache, 2 months of crying, 2 months of anger, 2 months of denial, 2 months wishing you were here, 2 months of wishing things were different, 2 months of crying myself to sleep, 2 months of praying to see your face, 2 months of wondering what I could have done differently, 2 months of emptiness…2 months.

                I think constantly of all the things I have wanted to say to you, the many times I’ve wanted to call you, all the times I wanted to tell you I loved you, all the times I wondered if you even knew how much you were wanted, all the times I wanted hug you, all the times I wanted to tell you something funny, all the times I wanted to hear your laugh, all the times I needed you…all the times.

                I wish I knew what plagued you, what I could have done different. I wish I knew if I could have saved you, I wish I knew the pain you were trying to numb, I wish I could have taken that pain away, I wish that pain was on me and not you, I wish my love would have been enough, I wish mom’s love would have been enough, I wish I had lived closer to you, I wish I still had you, I wish I could turn back the clock…I wish.

                I’ll never understand why the plan would be to take you from this world. I’ll never understand why things couldn’t have been different. I’ll never understand why you made the choices that you made. I’ll never understand why you couldn’t see you were enough…I’ll never understand.

                I have so many questions. Did you know that I loved you? Did you love me too? Why didn’t you call me? What made you slip again? Was it my fault because I yelled at you on Friday? Why did you have so many dang flashlights? SERIOUSLY, we are cleaning your house and there is an insane amount of flashlights. Were you proud to be my twin brother? Were you happy the last six months we got together? WHO WAS IT? Who sold you the drugs?

                God Aaron, my heart is so empty, it’s so broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I feel like there is absolutely nothing in this world that will ever take away the constant pain I’m in every single day. I play it good though, I’m sure you can see that. I walk, I talk, I laugh. But I’m completely dead inside because the most important piece to my twin puzzle is gone. I’m in a weird limbo, I’m numb, but also in denial, also in acceptance, also in pain, also in anger. I have zero clue how I’m able to function every day, I have zero clue how I’m supposed to get up in the morning, I have zero clue how I’m supposed to sleep every night. I have zero clue about anything. Life was supposed to be different. There are things I’m feeling that only you will understand. I have this guilt, like I’m not supposed to be alive anymore because you aren’t here, I have this insane anxiety like at any moment I may drop dead. I know to anyone else they aren’t going to understand what I’m even talking about, but I know you know. I joined a Twinless Twin support group, they get me, they get me like you would have. I’ve been told that some twins suffer survivors guilt, almost a PTSD after losing their twin. I’m afraid that something is going to happen to me, I know that sounds insane, but you know how our lives were, if one got hurt a week later the other one got hurt in the exact spot and that frightens me. I have so much regret, so many missed moments with you. I regret we didn’t have more time together. I regret not telling you more how much I loved you. I regret not visiting more. I regret not calling more. I regret not hugging you more. I regret that I didn’t do more to save you. I took your life for granted, like we had forever and a day to make moments together, to make memories together, to take photos together. I was supposed to have you grow old with me. I wasn’t put on this earth to celebrate my birthdays alone, I was brought into this world WITH you, I’m not supposed to be carrying on without you.

                I hope you are visiting me often, I hope you see how much you were to me, I hope one day I can feel you, I hope one day I can remember your face again, I hope one day I can smile without faking it, I hope I am able to make a difference in your name, I hope your story saves some people’s lives, I hope your story helps change something…I hope.

                I love you so much twin…you are half of my heart, half of my soul, half of my life, half of everything…

                                                                                                                      Until our story meets again,

                                                                                                                      Brandy