There are so many emotions, so many unpredictable emotions surrounding grief. I’m so angry, angry about everything, I’m angry that you are gone, I’m angry that everyone has moved forward, and I’m still stuck on February 18, 2019. I feel so extremely lonely. No one messages me and asks me how I’m doing. No one calls to see if I need to talk or need to get out of the house. It’s like it never happened to the rest of the world and I’m over here fucking drowning in despair.
I guess I never expected the loneliness I’d feel after losing you. It makes me resentful, it makes me jaded, and it is closing me off. I just want to scream, scream at you for leaving, scream at God for taking you, scream at everyone who has forgotten you, forgotten me, forgotten mom. I want to punch something, anything, I’m just so blinded by rage. I’ve never spoken this aloud, but, I’m SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW! I’m so mad at the world, so mad at our so-called father, who, get this, blocked me on Facebook because apparently, he can’t take the heat of dealing with his own faults. I blame him, Aaron, for a lot of the pain you faced, for the pain you were trying to numb, and I blame him for your death. I’ve forgiven him for a lot of his mistakes, for what he did to mom, for what he did to us, but I WILL NEVER forgive him for this. I hate him, I hate him more than I’ve hated anything in my life. I hate that I must share my grief with him, I hate that I must share my grief with anyone. It’s an odd feeling, feeling so selfish with you, like you belong to me and I don’t want to share you with anyone else.
I wonder if my grief would be different, if you weren't my twin. If you were just my brother, with years separating us, would my grief still be this crippling? Or would it be much easier? I’ll never know of course, because you are my twin, you are half of me and you are dead and that makes half of me dead too. Not only did mom lose her son but she is losing half her daughter too.
I’m so sick of crying at my desk like a lunatic. Quietly sobbing, hoping no one can hear me. I just want things to be back to normal, I want to laugh without faking it, I want to enjoy the sunshine again, I want to look forward to things that are coming, but, I CAN’T! I can’t freaking stop this pain, I can’t stop this loneliness. I can’t stop this need for you. A part of me wonders, is that what you were chasing, was that what it was like for you? Is this what it felt like for you, the need for that fix? God, I hope not, this need that can never be filled, it’s just plain AWFUL. It breaks my heart wondering if this is how you felt. Like, I should have done more…I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE!
I wish I knew if you could hear me, if you could see my pain.
He hears you. It’s only been two months. But we have feel the sunshine. We have to feel happy again. Because all the years of him numbing his pain he is finally in a position to feel whole. To actually feel happiness without addiction. He is with Grandma Liska. Grandma Toy. Grandpaps Schrecengost. Wilson and Toy. He is with Aunt Malinda. And probably others who met that same untimely death that he had. My worry is with us grieving this way are we holding him back from enjoying complete happiness. I am trying to move in a more happy light. Trying. But I cannot promise on any given day that I will succeed. But with a set back I do move forward too. He would not wish his feelings that had on anyone. Especially you and me. So you have to let go of the anger. It becomes a cancer. It’s like the invisible bricks I used to carry on my back when I had to suffer hardship and your dad got to go out and do what he wanted. Two years of carrying those bricks. It was suffocating. But I got on my knees and laid them at Gods feet. I told him I could no longer carry them. And I felt instantly lighter. The anger was gone. Don’t start carrying those invisible bricks. Don’t. It does you know good. You cannot feel guilty for feeling happy. You didn’t take that exit. He did. We can’t change that. So don’t you go off the beaten path.
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