I think constantly of all the things I have wanted to say to you, the many times I’ve wanted to call you, all the times I wanted to tell you I loved you, all the times I wondered if you even knew how much you were wanted, all the times I wanted hug you, all the times I wanted to tell you something funny, all the times I wanted to hear your laugh, all the times I needed you…all the times.
I wish I knew what plagued you, what I could have done different. I wish I knew if I could have saved you, I wish I knew the pain you were trying to numb, I wish I could have taken that pain away, I wish that pain was on me and not you, I wish my love would have been enough, I wish mom’s love would have been enough, I wish I had lived closer to you, I wish I still had you, I wish I could turn back the clock…I wish.
I’ll never understand why the plan would be to take you from this world. I’ll never understand why things couldn’t have been different. I’ll never understand why you made the choices that you made. I’ll never understand why you couldn’t see you were enough…I’ll never understand.
I have so many questions. Did you know that I loved you? Did you love me too? Why didn’t you call me? What made you slip again? Was it my fault because I yelled at you on Friday? Why did you have so many dang flashlights? SERIOUSLY, we are cleaning your house and there is an insane amount of flashlights. Were you proud to be my twin brother? Were you happy the last six months we got together? WHO WAS IT? Who sold you the drugs?
God Aaron, my heart is so empty, it’s so broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I feel like there is absolutely nothing in this world that will ever take away the constant pain I’m in every single day. I play it good though, I’m sure you can see that. I walk, I talk, I laugh. But I’m completely dead inside because the most important piece to my twin puzzle is gone. I’m in a weird limbo, I’m numb, but also in denial, also in acceptance, also in pain, also in anger. I have zero clue how I’m able to function every day, I have zero clue how I’m supposed to get up in the morning, I have zero clue how I’m supposed to sleep every night. I have zero clue about anything. Life was supposed to be different. There are things I’m feeling that only you will understand. I have this guilt, like I’m not supposed to be alive anymore because you aren’t here, I have this insane anxiety like at any moment I may drop dead. I know to anyone else they aren’t going to understand what I’m even talking about, but I know you know. I joined a Twinless Twin support group, they get me, they get me like you would have. I’ve been told that some twins suffer survivors guilt, almost a PTSD after losing their twin. I’m afraid that something is going to happen to me, I know that sounds insane, but you know how our lives were, if one got hurt a week later the other one got hurt in the exact spot and that frightens me. I have so much regret, so many missed moments with you. I regret we didn’t have more time together. I regret not telling you more how much I loved you. I regret not visiting more. I regret not calling more. I regret not hugging you more. I regret that I didn’t do more to save you. I took your life for granted, like we had forever and a day to make moments together, to make memories together, to take photos together. I was supposed to have you grow old with me. I wasn’t put on this earth to celebrate my birthdays alone, I was brought into this world WITH you, I’m not supposed to be carrying on without you.
I hope you are visiting me often, I hope you see how much you were to me, I hope one day I can feel you, I hope one day I can remember your face again, I hope one day I can smile without faking it, I hope I am able to make a difference in your name, I hope your story saves some people’s lives, I hope your story helps change something…I hope.
I love you so much twin…you are half of my heart, half of my soul, half of my life, half of everything…
Until our story meets again,
Brandy
I feel the same way for most of it. Because I was his mom. Like I said in my one letter, it feels like it happened to someone else and not us. We are helping another family who is going through this crisis. It is like its only been two months then it is like wow it has been two months already. Both at the same time. I don't know either what it is like to have one. I had you both from the beginning. And when I think of you I think of him. And visa versa. Because it was always that way. Brandy n Aaron. We don't know the why but we know it did....and nothing can change it, so we HAVE to move forward. We HAVE to. Life is still here for us. Just like the picture you bought me for Mothers Day, our thoughts are like gardens, we can grow flowers or we can grow weeds. We still have the ability to grow flowers, but it may have a LITTLE bit of weeds in it. We can hang on to the misery of the situation or hang on to what we did have when times were good. That's what we have and THAT is what we need to cherish. He IS in a better place, I have to believe that. That is what gets me through the day. And if we believe it is true then we cannot destroy our lives here on earth while we are here because he would not want that at all.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your writings and I hate reading them. The fact that you ARE getting up and getting dressed and getting things done every single day proves you have faith in yourself to at least seem normal. The fact that you can find a glimmer of humor (the flashlights) during this tumultuous period of time proves that you have the ability to still see a bright side (no pun intended). The fact that you take the time to make thoughtful entries into your blog proves that you are determined to survive even if you mostly hate the thought of surviving twinless. The beauty in you lights up (even if only dimly) this temporary-yet-permanent darkness. Maybe that was what the flashlights were for - to remind you... Hugs, friend.
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