Grief has made me different

On this third month of learning to live without you, I’ve realized; it’s May, the fifth month of the year. While it seems like it is flying by, it also feels like it’s only the 5^th month of the year and yet an entire lifetime of stuff has happened, in such a short amount of time.

I created this blog, so I could share your story, share my grief. But also, for honesty, and for myself. So, if I’m being honest, I absolutely hate existing without you. I’ve become so good at pretending I’m fine that I’ve begun to fool myself.

I’m so bloody angry, at everything, all the time. I hate that. I hate feeling so outraged over everything. In just 3 short months, I’ve been on an insane roller coaster of emotions. I’ve learned so much as well. So much about who truly cares about me, and surprisingly Aaron, family doesn’t guarantee that. I’d say probably about a handful of people still ask about you or ask about me. The rest have moved on, they’ve forgotten I’m hurting, or they just don’t care that I am. I’ve checked out though, emotionally. I’m done catering to others when they weren’t there for me when I needed them. Maybe I should have learned that lesson a long time ago.

They never tell you how lonely grieving is. How incredibly invisible you feel in a crowded room. Like, here I am completely shattered inside, and no one can see it any more.

Your house is nearly empty now, and it’s up for sale. It’s a double headed sword, I’m so exhausted from spending almost every weekend there cleaning it out, but I know when it’s sold that’s when the shoe is going to drop, and my world is going to come crashing down again. It will be the last material thing I have that connects me to you, and it will be gone.

I’m still planning on doing something in your name, I just haven’t figured it out yet. I need to sit down, do my research and figure out where to even start. Mom wants to start some form of grant in your name for drug awareness. She wants to make sure no other family has to feel as broken as we do. Cause no one deserves to feel the constant pain we are in on a daily basis.

Oh, I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.