Dear Mom,
I have wished a thousand times I could take away your pain, to turn the clocks back to February 17th again. On your first Mother’s Day without Aaron, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I owe everything I am to you. You taught me what it is to be strong, to stand up for what is right, and to be gentle with other people’s hearts. You showed me what it was to be selfless, to give back, and to be grateful for what I have. You taught me to have a backbone, but also some humility too. I learned my sense of humor from you, as well as this mouth. LOL.
Life has thrown a lot of curve balls at you, and you’ve handled them with grace. The greatest gift and lesson you gave me was watching you do whatever you could to take care of your family. You worked multiple jobs while putting yourself through college and you still graduated with honors. I silently watched you struggle, wondering where you were getting the money to pay bills and put food on the table. Not once did I ever hear you complain. While I may not have had the same material items as other kids, I never lacked in love, support and encouragement. Because of that I grew up to be an independent, confident, hard working woman and I owe you all the thanks.
I read a blog on Bereaved Mother’s Day and this one paragraph made me think of you. “My daughter’s death led everyone to tell me, “I couldn’t do it,” …as if child loss fell to my family by choice. But if I’m being honest, I didn’t even know how I was doing it. What was I to do? I didn’t will my own death…even though every bit of me wanted to be with my baby. Irrationally, I felt like a less-than mom for surviving the unimaginable. My love for my daughter felt unintentionally lessened by these meant-to-be innocent words, and I felt as if there was something wrong with me that, although my heart was already crumbled into fragments, I was still capable of living and breathing while my daughter was not.” (Source:https://www.scarymommy.com/grieving-mom-bereaved-mothers-day/)
Don’t ever feel you need to explain your grief, you have every right to be wrapped up in the sorrow that you are feeling. DO NOT ever feel you are lessoning yourself to me because you can’t be fully yourself right now or probably ever. You have dealt with a loss that no one can understand unless they have buried a child. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it is time for you to move on.
While I know that I won’t be able to take the pain away today, I hope that you can have some form of joy in knowing that you were the best mother a child could ever hope for. Your endless love and commitment to not only me, but to Aaron as well out weighs all the treasures in the world. I could only hope to be half the woman you are. I love you and I hope that you have a wonderful Mother’s Day, because out of all the mothers, you deserve it most of all.
Thank you. I love you so much and your post makes me realize more than ever that you understand me. The most important job for me while you two were growing up was my role as a mother. I took that job very seriously. As we know all too well no matter how well you think you are doing your job it doesn’t always turn out the way you think it will. I was not perfect and at times when I look back I wished I would have done some things differently. But at the time the choices seemed right. There is no handbook in being a mother. All I know, for me, it was the best role to have. I am so grateful for the wonderful time you included me in during your high school years. And the closeness we have always had that I always also had with my mother. Yes this year is hard because half of me being a mom is gone. Although I tell myself that he is not gone but just in another dimension of life. But it’s not the same when I cannot hear his voice physically. The only thing I have is a voicemail from him that says mom I will call you. But I know there will be no call. None. Never. As I sit here crying reading your comments knowing I must have done my job well for you to learn what I wanted you to learn I am crying also because I feel like a failure. I know I didn’t cause the choices he made but as a mother I still ask where did I go wrong.
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