It’s been a long 2 years without you my dear twin. Time has moved on, the world has moved on, people have moved on and slowly I moved on. But my heart remains partly in 2019 where you will forever be. Where the last time I felt whole. So much has changed, new people have come into my life, and others have left it. But still things continue to move forward.
Turn Again to Life
By: Mary Lee Hall
If I should die and leave you awhile
Be not like others sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust and weep.
For my sake, turn again to life, and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort weaker hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine,
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.
This poem means so much to me, because I mourn your loss so physically, as a twin does, but I also know you wouldn’t want me to sit here and soak in the pain that it causes me. The fact that I want to do so much to fight the disease that took your life. It is comforting to me., every time I get to talk about you, every time I get to tell your story. In hopes that it may save someone else’s life. A piece of me feels whole again. Like I have you with me, pushing me forward.
Tomorrow is our birthday, funny how many times I wished I wasn’t a twin, how many birthday’s I wanted alone. Now, on my third birthday without you I would give anything to celebrate them with you. I always loved celebrating my birthday, I loved when people sang to me (even at the restaurants), and now I find that most of the time I just cannot wait for it to be over.
I think the hardest part in grief is the words that are left unsaid. The I love you’s that you wonder if they heard, the stories that you wanted to tell them, the exciting news you wanted to share with them. Even the sadness that you wanted to share with them. I have come to accept your death, but I have spent a lot of time in regret. Regret that I spent so much of your living life angry at your addiction, angry enough that it kept me away from you, angry that I didn’t speak to you, and angry that I didn’t get to share all my memories with you.
In our darkest of times we must remember, there was light where you went once, there is light where you are now, and there will be light where you are going, again.
I will end this with a quote I heard on Call the Midwife. It struck me, because it is so true. It was oddly comforting. “We flicker on a screen; we fold and unfold upon the mind’s eye. Brittle as wings, eternal as a heartbeat and even when the heart falls silent, we do not cease to be, because in the end, we all become memories.”
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