One Thousand and Ninety Five Days

One thousand and ninety five days, that’s how many days I’ve had to live without you.

I’m having a lot more good days, than bad days now. But when those bad days hit, boy do they hit hard. I found your pamphlet from your viewing and funeral in my desk drawer at work, earlier this month. I, mistakenly, decided to read it. It’s been a rough month since I read that pamphlet and for some reason, I realized that the entire poem we picked for your pamphlet was missing the last 2 lines of it due to a miss print, or a miss alignment of the poem when they were making them and that irritated the shit out of me. I never noticed it the day of, obviously, nor did I notice it weeks after your funeral. It took me till year 3 to finally see that mistake. Obviously, there is nothing we can do about it now, but it made my blood boil, as if the meaning of your viewing/funeral was now lost to everyone because of these 2 simple verses.

“For part of us went with you,

the day God called you home.”

              Those were the words, those are the simple words that didn’t make it onto your pamphlet, now symbolic to how I feel my grief will never end. How those words will never be printed on your pamphlet is how endless my pain always feels.

One thousand and ninety five days, that’s how many days I’ve had to live without you.

              Next year I turn forty! FORTY years old. I don’t even know how that’s possible when I still feel stuck at 35, the year you will always be. I expect next year to be a hard one for me. But I could be totally wrong, I’ve been doing so well and then this month my grief has been so hard that I feel like I just buried you, AGAIN. I’m trying, trying to live for you too. Do the things I think you would have done, if you just had enough time, enough time to get help, stay clean, and live…not only for the love everyone had for you, but for your damn self, too.

              I try to imagine what our lives would be like, if you were clean and living today. Spending so much time together, making up for all those years I pushed you away because of your addiction. Taking so many photos, because your gone and I just don’t have enough photos of us together. Going on vacation together. Spending the night at my house and swimming in the pool Shane and I just bought last year. There is just so much more I was supposed to be able to do with you. I just need so much more time with you. I sometimes feel like, why wasn’t I the one taken first, because I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to live without you.

One thousand and ninety five days, that’s how many days I’ve had to live without you.

              I made a video for you today; the song makes me cry every time I hear it. These are the lyrics:

Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?

Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?

Does the sun shine bright forever?

Have your fears and your pain gone away?

'Cause here on Earth it feels like everything

Good is missing since you left

And here on Earth, everything's different

There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I

I hope you're dancing in the sky

And I hope you're singing in the angel's choir

And I hope the angels know what they have

I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived

So, tell me, what do you do up in Heaven?

Are your days filled with love and light?

Is there music? Is there art and adventure?

Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

'Cause here on Earth it feels like everything

Good is missing since you left

And here on Earth everything's different

There's an emptiness

Oh-oh, I

I hope you're dancing in the sky

And I hope you're singing in the angel's choir

And I hope the angels know what they have

I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived

Since you arrived

Oh, oh

(What does it look like in heaven?) Yeah, yeah

Oh, oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh, oh

Oh, oh, I

I hope you're dancing in the sky

And I hope you're singing in the angel's choir

And I hope the angels know what they have

I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived

Since you arrived